Tragic isn't it...

I love to be sad. I am addicted to being sad. I buy bittersweet albums and watch sad movies because I love feeling sad. That is why I can never really truly cry or be mournful for too long. I like the feeling too much. Being sad makes me happy. I suppose this is a good thing, because in my chosen occupation I am destined to be lonely, and as much as I hate destiny, it is probably going to happen. It is just as well because I like it........ but I can't lie for long. Especially to myself. I just like feeling and if I can't be happy that at least I can feel sad. It beats being cold and feeling nothing, which is really my native state. I feel nothing. When I get sad like this and people used to come and talk I would just give them what they wanted to hear, to make them go away. But people don't come and talk anymore. I just can't even pretend to just keep carrying on, because nobody is coming to rescue me. No one stops me when I take a dive. No one comes to find me because I have pushed them away. I remember when I was younger, living at home, running away and then hoping my Mom or Dad would come and find me so I could go home. I didn't really want to run away, but I wanted to be sure someone loved me, and now it seems to me that no one does. That is my destiny... to be unloved because I don't love... or don't know how, or maybe I don't care. In movies or books there is always this sureness about people finding each other. You can pick out the people that will someday fall in love, and it seems to be such a sure thing. How can you find this sure thing in real life? I don't think there are any sure things in life. Above 50% and you are doing good. 80% is expensive, and 90% only happens to the lucky. I no longer believe in destiny. I only believe in high probability. At least from our perspective... I have never been God so I don't know how He sees things.